Australia has a cartel problem.
Not the exciting kind with ski masks, AK-47s and Netflix documentaries.
No — we have the Australian Cartel™, a polite bipartisan corporate kumbaya where everyone denies everything while quietly raising prices in perfect synchrony like a choir with a gambling addiction.It’s not one cartel, It’s all of them. Working together, Like a deeply corrupt Avengers of an Australian made cartel.
Chapter 1: The Supermarket Cartel – Coles & Woolies Present: “Two Companies, One Price”
The ACCC calls it “parallel pricing.”
Economists call it “market concentration.”
Everyone else calls it:
“Why is cheese now $11 for a block the size of a business card?”
Coles and Woolworths insist there is no collusion — it’s just a coincidence that:
- They raise prices at the same time
- Reduce sizes at the same time
- Introduce loyalty schemes that punish the disloyal
- And buy up every empty plot of land near Aldi like they’re trying to stop an invading army
This is not a cartel, they say.
This is competition.
Competition where both sides win. And the customer loses.
Chapter 2: The Energy Cartel – “Power Prices Are High Because… Reasons.”
Australia produces coal, gas, sunlight and wind.
We should be paying about 14 cents a month for electricity and getting a free toaster every time we blink.
Instead, we have:
- Energy generators
- Energy retailers
- Energy wholesalers
- Energy middle-men who do absolutely nothing but invoice you
Together they form the Voltron of Overcharging.
Every year they announce record profits.
And Every year the government announces “an inquiry.”
Every year nothing happens.
But don’t worry — the energy companies promise relief is coming.
In 2037.
After they’ve finished buying each other.
Chapter 3: The Banking Cartel – “We’re All In This Together (Except You)”
The Big Four Banks — the Mount Rushmore of Corporate Excuse-Making.
When interest rates rise:
💬 “We must pass on the increase for stability.”
When interest rates fall:
💬 “We’ll get back to you in 6 to 9 business centuries.”
They work independently.
They swear they don’t coordinate.
Yet they somehow:
- Raise mortgage rates within 14 seconds of the RBA meeting
- Drop savings rates like they’re allergic to generosity
- All “innovate” by closing branches at the same time
This is not collusion.
This is “harmonised economic strategy.”
Which is cartel for: “Try stopping us.”
Chapter 4: The Housing Cartel – Politicians, Developers & Negative Gearoholics Anonymous
Welcome to the Triumvirate of Australian Housing Misery.
Politicians keep prices high because their voter base has investment properties.
Developers drip-feed supply like they’re rationing oxygen.
And property investors… well, they’re too busy attending seminars on “How to buy your 12th home” to notice the peasants outside sharpening pitchforks.
The result?
- Renters: “We’re being crushed.”
- Owners: “We’re being responsible.”
- Politicians: “We are commissioning a review.”
- Developers: “We’ve decided to build a luxury tower with zero affordable housing because maths.”
Chapter 5: The Real Cartel — The One They Don’t Want You To See
Supermarkets.
Energy giants.
Banks.
Developers.
Telecommunications providers.
Insurance companies.
Airlines.
Funeral companies.
The entire bottled water industry, which is literally just tap water in a sexy bottle.
They are linked.
And operate in sync.
They dine at the same restaurants, drink the same wines, hire the same lobbyists, attend the same “conferences” on the same Gold Coast golf course.
This is the Australian Cartel:
A group so powerful, so organised, so profitable — they don’t even need secrecy.
Why hide collusion
when you can just call it
“standard industry practice.”
Final Verdict: The Cartel Always Wins
The ACCC will investigate.
Politicians will express concern.
A senate committee will be formed.
A report will be written.
It will be ignored.
And Coles will still be selling grapes for $14.99/kg because it’s raining in Chile.
The cartel isn’t a criminal organisation.
It’s an Australian lifestyle.
– By The Hollow Centre
